30+ husband wife jokes in english | funny jokes

husband wife jokes : If you are looking for husband wife jokes. So we have 30+ husband wife jokes in english. vulgarity free and mind blowing latest husband wife jokes . You tell them your married friends or relatives. Can share in WhatsApp status, FB story ect.

husband wife jokes in english

Why do you go on the balcony ?

Wife : “Why do you go on the balcony when I sing ? Don’t you like to hear me ?”

Husband : “It isn’t that. I want the neighbors to see that I’m not beating my wife.”



Wife: I wish I was a newspaper so I would be in ur hands all day.

Husband: I too wish that u were a newspapers so I could have a new one everyday.


A wife to her husband

Wife : “Honey, what are you doing?”

Husband : “Im reading our marriage certificate.”

Wife : “What for?”

Husband : “Im looking for the expiry date…”



When a wife was asked

What book do you like the best?

She answers: My husband’s cheque book.


husband wife jokes in english

Wife is dreaming in the middle of the night and suddenly shouts:

Wife : Up! Quick! My husband is back!

Man gets up, jumps out of the window, hurts himself,

and then realizes: Damn, I am the husband!



Husband to wife: ‘I hear you’ve been telling everyone that I’m an idiot.’

Wife: ‘Sorry, I didn’t know it was a secret.’


There was once a wife so jealous that when her husband came home one night and she couldn’t find hairs on his jackets she yelled at him,

Wife : Great, so now you’re cheating on me with a bald woman!


Two husbands were having a conversation,

First guy (proudly): My wife’s an angel! Second guy: You’re lucky, mines still alive.



Mary Lou

A husband came home from work and his wife slapped him. “What was that about?” he cried.

“I found a piece of paper in your pants last night with the name ‘Mary Lou’ written on it,” she said, steaming. “You’d better have a damned good explanation.”

“Calm down, honey,” he replied. “Remember last week when I went to the races? Mary Lou was one of the horses I bet on, that’s all.”

The next day when he came home from work, his wife slapped him again.

“Now what?” he cried.

“This morning, your horse called!”


husband wife jokes in english

texts to wife on cell..

Husband: Hi,what r u doing Darling?

Wife: Im dying..!

Husband jumps with joy but types Sweet Heart, how can I live without you ?

Wife: you idiot! Im dying my hair..

Husband: Bloody English Language!



A Dinner Conversation That Went Wrong

WIFE: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

HUSBAND: Definitely not!

WIFE: Why not – don’t you like being married?

HUSBAND: Of course I do.

WIFE: Then why wouldn’t you remarry?

HUSBAND: Okay, I’d get married again.

WIFE: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face).

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).

WIFE: Would you sleep with her in our bed?

HUSBAND: Where else would we sleep?

WIFE: Would you replace my pictures with hers?

HUSBAND: That would seem like the proper thing to do.

WIFE: Would she use my golf clubs?

HUSBAND: No, she’s left-handed.

WIFE: – – – silence – – –



Consequences of American life style:

wife: rushed into house screaming to her husband

husband: Darling, Come quick! Your kids and my kids are beating our kids.



A civilized fight between husband & wife…

Wife: Twinkle Twinkle little star, you should know what YOU are And once YOU know what YOU are Then the Mental hospital isn’t so far.

Husband: The rain makes all things beautiful The grass & flowers too If rain makes all things beautiful, Why doesn’t it rain on YOU?

Wife: Roses are red Violets are blue Monkeys like YOU should be kept in zoo.

Husband: Don’t feel so angry YOU will find me there too, Not in cage but laughing at YOU.


husband wife jokes in english

A couple goes to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked women with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn’t like it and moves on but the husband keeps looking.

The wife asks, “What are you waiting for?”

The husband replies, “Autumn.”



An elderly couple are in church.

The wife leans over and whispers to her husband,

“I just let out a long, silent fart. What should I do?”

The husband replies, “First off, replace the batteries in your hearing aid!

?? ????


A woman didn’t come home one night.

The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend’s house.

The man called his wife’s 10 best friends.

None of them knew anything about it.

A man didn’t come home 1 night.

The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s house.

So the wife called her husband’s 10 best friends.

8 of them confirmed that he had slept over and 2 said he was still there.


A bus full of housewives going on a picnic crashed with no survivors.

Each husband cried for a week,

but one husband continued for more than two weeks.

When asked he replied miserably…

“My wife missed the bus”



An Intelligent Wife Is One Who Makes Sure She Spends So Much

That Her Husband Cant Afford Another Women


Husband throwing knifes on wife’s picture.

All were missing the target! Suddenly he received call from her

Wife: Hi,what are you doing?

His honest reply, MISSING YOU



husband wife jokes in english

Wife: “I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?”

Husband: “You have perfect eyesight.”


Husband: Today is sunday and I have to enjoy it. So i bought 3 movie tickets.

Wife: Why three?

Husband: 1 For you and 2 for your parents.



Husband to wife: Today is a fine day.

Next day he says: Today is a fine day.

Again next day, he says same thing: Today is a fine day.

Finally after a week, the wife can’t take it and asks her husband: Since one week, you are saying this ‘Today is a fine day’. I am fed up. What’s the matter?

Husband: Last week when we had an argument, you said, ‘I will leave you one fine day.’ I was just trying to remind you.


Husband: I want to go somewhere on holiday this year I’ve never been before.

Wife: Well, how about the kitchen?



A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.


A husband said to his wife, “No, I don’t hate your relatives.

In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine.”



Wife called her husband

Wife: honey where are you?

Husband: Im at the bank.

Wife: dear, please I need 3000 rupees to activate my blackberry, 5000 to do my hair and 10,000 to buy a dress.

Husband: sorry, I meant I was at the bank of a river. Do you want fish to cook?


Wife: What is 10 years with me?

Husband: A second.

Wife: What is $1000 for me?

Husband: A coin.

Wife: Ok give me a coin.

Husband:Wait a second


Thank you so much ❤️ sir / ma’am I hope you enjoy it.

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